Today I was faced with the task of looking into my emotional closet and discarding all the items I no longer want, that no longer fit and that I definitely have no business donating. I thought it would take me a while to find some things, but Lord and behold a large suitcase full of my fears fell on top of me as I opened my closet and it gave me the biggest headache.
Its funny how I can come so far in my life and yet be set back by my past due to fear of repetition.
As Women we go through a lot in our lives and I'm going to take it there, with MEN! Now there is no need for me to go into detail of the things we've all dealt with in past relationships, this is just a blog entry after all. So I will trust that you can fill in your particular blank of what you will or will not tolerate in terms of relationships. However I find myself in a situation where I'm just starting to (think) about (possibly) allowing myself to (maybe) open up and (kind of) let someone in. As you can see I'm extremely sure about this.
Seriously though, I find myself struggling with being happy with someone just to be.....happy. In the back of my mind I'm expecting the almighty sign of doom so I can flee and run for cover. The problem with that is I start to nick-pick (in my head) at the slightest thing labeling it (a sign) and holding it in my fear bank so I can justify my plan of escape.
But is this fair......to me..........and to him?
Have you ever found yourself putting up a wall and simply blocking out anything that takes you back to your unhappy place? I have and find myself doing it more frequently and I'm quite unhappy about it. As soon as I see the slightest thing that makes me raise an eyebrow, I'm ready to write dude off and drop his ass in a sealed box labeled F.O.S (full of S....), and place it on the top shelf in my closet, next to the "Liar" and "Loser" boxes. But once again I have to pose the question is every little thing "a sign"? Can things actually happen that seem so far fetched? It leads me to the saying "Shit Happens", and this I do know to be a fact because Shit happens to me all the time. How do you decipher which Shit is true Shit and not just Shit - SHIT?
So I write this entry because Obviously I'm dealing with something with my man...oh snap did I say Man….. um, wait I meant… with this dude I know, that's more like it. See I can't even be serious about that....my wall goes up even at the thought of giving my heart to someone again. To give a little background, he's a really nice guy and has never shown me anything concrete to frown at…yet (working on the trust thing). He's supportive emotionally and spiritually, and we can laugh and talk about anything. So far he has done everything he said he would. Yet, this last time, things went south and I didn't hear from him for 48 hours. He didn't come through like he said he would, and I started laying bricks and cement, gearing up to build my strongest wall ever.
I was NOT about to deal with this mess again, I'm not going to wait around and listen to the all familiar story that his phone was lost, stolen, broken, or blew up, we've all heard it before. Nope, not the kid, I was OUT this was clearly the "SIGN" I was waiting for. That along with all the little signs like he chews funny, or laughs to loud, or hugs me too much, you know all the big stuff that will get me to stepping. Clearly I'm over exaggerating here, but I do this to exhibit just how guarded I am.
It took a friend of mine to break it down to me and show me just how non-trusting I was. She explained to me how she understood how guarded I felt, and that I should be. Hell, at the end of the day, I do have a closet full of baggage of past lessons learned. It took her reminding me of all the good I have felt in this short period of time. Of how he HAS come through before and to at least hear him out. It was her telling me that the relationship is still very new and that she could bet money on that there are things going on in his life that he may not have told me about yet. And simply she reminded me how he made me smile in a short period of time after I was ready to kick him to the curb day one.
So FINE I'll hear him out.
The apologies ran rampant in his email, it was the first thing he said when we spoke and the "I'm Sorries" for letting you down" ran through our conversation. Now my eyebrow was raised again, in complete confusion. My wall was getting pretty shaky and bricks were coming undone. I realized even though I was disappointed and forced to go through the exercise of planning my retreat, it was bigger than this particular incident. My fears kicked in and totally took over my emotions and started to show me flash backs from "Assholes Past". So I would think that he was acting just like _____ and doing just like _____did. I had convicted this man off the bat.
SO WHAT! I'm going to protect myself at the end of the day NO MATTER WHAT! But.....but....but, I am grateful that I can recognize what I was doing and take time to breathe and think calmly and listen. So he gets a pass this time, and I'm putting my hard hat away. But I will be watching with my eyes wide open.
Hell, I'm open to being open, just not to being played.............you feel me!